Anxiety and the TCK.

Everyone experiences anxiety. Nerves before a big test, butterflies before meeting someone new, and sweaty palms when you have to speak in public. That’s not what I’m talking about in this post. I’m referring to an anxiety disorder. Debilitating anxiety. When you can’t function in society because of crippling fear.

I feel like I am well positioned to talk about this. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 16. (These two often go hand in hand.) But just because I was “diagnosed” at 16 doesn’t mean that it was new. I cannot remember a time I was not anxious. It may not have been a full blown anxiety disorder back when I was 5 or 6, but I was definitely “anxiety sensitive” and even “predisposed” to develop an anxiety disorder.

What does all this have to do with being a TCK?

I’m glad you asked ;)

If you go into therapy you will notice certain things come up a lot. Over the past 6 years I have seen a professional regularly. They love to talk about my TCK background because it’s unusual and they see how much the up-rootedness contributes to anxiety and other mental health illnesses. A lot of the time (because they struggle to understand God’s calling to missions) they try to peg a lot of my mental health issues on my childhood. They blame the lifestyle and the parents, and the lack of stability. I struggle with this because I don’t know what I would have been like had I always been in one place. Maybe my mental health would be better, maybe it would be worse. I have no way of knowing. So I focus on what I know has affected me and what is particular to my TCK life and try to work on them. So here are a few things I feel have contributed to my anxiety.

The constant change of psychiatrists.

In the past 6 years I have seen 7 (soon to be 8) different psychiatrists. Yeah. That’s a lot of change. It’s not that I’m difficult (I don’t think) but it’s because I’ve moved a lot. My current psychiatrist is leaving next month… so another change (this time not my “fault”). I have seen this current psychiatrist for almost 2 years and it’s the longest I have ever seen the same person. What does that do to my mental health? Every time you meet with someone new, you start over from scratch. All the progress already made is somewhat “lost”. Even if you keep working hard, they won’t be up to date and there are at least 5 or 6 sessions where you’re not actually working on you. It’s spent just explaining the past.

Medication changes.

Ugh. Medication sucks. Every different psychiatrist has their “medication” that they like. Just about every time I’ve met with a new one they've say “They gave you what?? That’s a terrible medication.” And then they change it. Medication changes take time. It “wastes” time that you could be taking to become stable. You have to wean off your meds, then wait and then start up slowly a new medication the whole time not knowing what the side effects will be. Again. Starting from scratch.

Loneliness.

I think every TCK can relate to feeling lonely. Most people experience loneliness from time to time. However feelings of loneliness are very typical for people who have been diagnosed with anxiety and/or depression. So when I’m feeling lonely anyways because of my anxiety and depression, well the TCK factor adds to it and it becomes overwhelming very quickly.

Loss.

What most doctors and researchers seem to agree on is that unresolved grief/loss is often a large part of anxiety and depression. But as a TCK, thanks to our talent when it comes to adapting, a lot of the time we don’t actually process the loss. It’s hard to find the time to process the grief when we’re in the middle of a move. Saying goodbye and hello at the same time, adapting to a new home, environment and even language sometimes. It is critical to meet people as soon as possible, so the grief gets put aside. By the time you’re settled in a half year or year has passed and it seems too late to mourn the previous losses, so you put it behind you and move on. And repeat. Again and again.

Financial stability

Two of the most common side effects of financial stress are anxiety and depression. Everyone worries about money, but I think especially as TCKs or MKs, if your parent’s salaries are relying on gifts from supporters you know this stress even more than others. We’re painfully aware of the stress and lack of money by seeing our parents react to it, or by simply being aware that we don’t have a “normal” salary income. Learning to trust God and believe that he will provide is much harder than it sounds.

Identity crisis.

It’s normal for every teenager to go through a period of uncertainty concerning who they are. But when you see the number of non TCK’s who struggle to come to terms with this, it’s no surprise to see how much more TCK’s struggle with this. An identity crisis often goes hand in hand with depression and anxiety, so for a “normal” teenager they might have a phase of a little depression or anxiety but when the identity crisis lasts longer, it’s common that so does the mental health disorder.

Cultural environment.

I know that for me, growing up in an African forest was a huge anxiety provoker. I remember being terrified of snakes and scorpions, so much so that in our home I didn’t want to walk through it in the dark. I was petrified of the stray dogs so much so that sometimes I wouldn’t even go outside. We had heard stories of people cutting through the netting on the windows to put their hands through and because of that I could never sleep next to a window. (Still today) I think the constant state of anxiousness I found myself in gave me a sense of what was “normal” and “set me up” for an anxious “normal” state of mind.

Perhaps I was just born anxious, preconditioned to depressive thoughts and moods. Maybe all this paired with the emotional unrest of frequent moves just added to my struggle. I don’t know how much of my TCK upbringing is to “blame” and I don’t know if my TCK upbringing “saved” me. I won’t ever know, and I think there’s a charm to that.

Because this post is specific to my past, you may not relate to this. If you do relate to this post, remember that you're not alone. Search for peace with your past rather than finding something or someone to blame. If you don't recognise yourself, take my spew of emotions to heart and use it to understand other anxious TCKs.

Thanks for bearing with my long trail of thought!