"Do You Speak African?" The Struggle of Finding Ourselves Between Cultures.

Growing up in many cultures enriched my life in so many ways, I could go on for days about the many blessings I got from being a TCK. But, there are many struggles. I have Brazilian parents, lived in West Africa and went to international schools. A combination which created a very confused teenager. In my parents’ culture mental illness was never a comfortable topic, even though my mom had gone through her years of depression, it was still taboo. In school most of my friends had at least one mental health issue. I was left with my anxiety, depression, self-harm and eating disorders in the middle of this cultural fight and I had no idea how to win.

Being Brazilian in West Africa meant living in mission compounds, people always coming and going from our house and being surrounded by cultures who love gathering. I barely spent any time by myself. My own presence always scared me. Being alone with my thoughts, depression and anxiety left me completely frightened. Loneliness took a grip on me. Between all my mental health issues there was little space left so I could enjoy myself. In my teen years I didn’t even know who I was. I wanted to be what people expected of me and failed time and time again to meet those expectations. My parents, my teachers, my groups of friends, I had to try to fit into all these roles and none of them seemed to fit. The pressure weighed me down. Being alone meant I had to figure out who I was without anyone. And that was too scary for me.

At 17 I found myself in a Brazilian church where no one knew what TCK meant or had interacted with one. People didn’t know how to talk to me. They expected me to be like all the other young people in church and want the same things. Bless them, little did they know what they were getting themselves into. For a long while I tried to bury down my life in West Africa completely to not have to answer the typical questions: “Did you go to school on a lion?” or “Do you speak African?”. This was the perfect timing to make a new me and forget all that I had gone through while living in Senegal. After a while I realized that having all these experiences – experiences that made me who I am- was nothing to be ashamed of. As an adult I learned how to be more comfortable in my own skin, not completely because I still annoy myself from time to time, but the relationship is good now.

We grow up reaching for a sense belonging and acceptance in other places. We are searching for the variable that will make everything perfect. The thing is, we are the most important variable in any situation. If we don’t figure ourselves out nothing will change. When I moved to Brazil for college I was a mess. I thought everything would be different, I had a fresh start, things would be perfect. I didn’t realize that although the place was different I had carried that mess all the way with me. We carry all of our TCKness inside of us, along with all of our other human struggles. Sorting through all of them takes time and commitment. We joke about not having a home or struggling to find out where it is. Home for me had become all the places I could truly be myself in. Senegal is not truly home; my boarding school became home. Brazil is not home, the small town I lived in is.

I had the privilege to figure myself out in a warm, embracing, rich culture. I know now all of us can’t have that safe space. Figure out the things you are passionate about and don’t give up on them. Share the amazing experiences you had in your many homes with people that will love them. Sometimes we are so scared of the culture that is taking us in that we forget that we can also be scary for them as well. Be merciful. Be kind. Be yourself and embrace your weirdness. We carry richness inside ourselves. We carry art, poetry, music, places, people and so many other great things inside of us and that cannot be hidden.